


Almost Perfect

by Love (crazylove)



Series: Whatever It Takes [3]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-27
Updated: 2010-11-27
Packaged: 2017-10-13 10:31:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/136280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazylove/pseuds/Love
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anoop shows up on Matt's doorstep on his birthday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost Perfect

Matt tried to get a few people to stay but everyone had something to do in the morning, jobs and family responsibilities, things Matt knew about but only vaguely. The real party was that Saturday, the party with booze and music and "maybe even a stripper" one of his friends said, laughing as he waved goodbye. Tonight was his actual birthday but they just had time for dinner and a few cards. Matt hated that people's social lives were restricted by the days of the week. He sighed, closing the door, surrounded by emptiness and silence yet again.

He walked back to his kitchen and gathered up the few glasses that Tiffany didn't already place in the dishwasher. He liked the way he decorated it, with the pictures on the walls and the hanging recipe flipbook that was mounted above the stove. He hadn't cooked anything from it yet but he liked to flip through and look at the pictures. The food looked really good.

Matt turned off the lights in the kitchen and wandered out to the living room. He flopped down on his couch and flipped channels but nothing on TV could keep his attention. Instead he put the TV on mute and then looked up at his loft and the piano that overlooked the living room.

Sometimes he felt guilty that he loved the piano so much. He tried to tell himself that he would give it back if it meant that he still got to be with Anoop but he couldn't be entirely sure if that was true. He still remembered the night he got it, how unexpected it was, how he played song after song, getting used to it, listening to the rain on the roof and Anoop sleeping on the floor behind him. Even then he wondered if it was some kind of trade.

The piano helped in all areas of his life but mostly when he couldn't turn his mind off. He walked up the stairs, thinking about the announcement he heard on the radio for the big ensemble R&B tour that Anoop was part of, rolling through Detroit sometime soon. Matt thought about going there just to see him on stage even if they didn't speak, even if Anoop didn't know he was there. They could just be in the same room, breathing the same air. But it was a ridiculous thought so Matt tried to push it out of his head. They broke up more than six months ago. He should be over it.

Matt didn't know what he was going to play before his fingers touched the keys but as soon as they did he was off, tinkering with one of his original songs, the one he hoped to record soon in his new studio in Kalamazoo. He wanted to keep the whimsical feeling of the chorus but the bridge still needed work. He was thinking, playing his way through the problem section another time when the doorbell rang.

He slipped off the piano bench, figuring Gabe probably left his glasses or something. He didn't expect Anoop to be standing there.

"Hey," Anoop said.

Matt's mouth dropped open. He didn't even try to hide it.

"Happy birthday," Anoop said.

"Anoop?" Matt whispered.

Anoop stepped forward and that's when Matt knew it just wasn't another fantasy. He wrapped his arms around Anoop when Anoop hugged him. His heart was beating so wildly and they were pressed so close together that he was sure Anoop could feel it.

"What are you doing here?" Matt asked, still locked in Anoop's embrace.

He felt Anoop bury his face in his shoulder. He couldn't believe this was happening. Everything felt the same-- Anoop's body against his, the tightness of his arms, the way Anoop smelled. He bit his lip just so he wouldn't try to kiss him because nothing was the same, not anymore.

"I don't know," Anoop said. Anoop let him go and despite the fact that May had actually been a warm month in Kalamazoo Matt instantly felt cold.

"I don't know," Anoop said again. They stood in the doorway. Matt wondered if Anoop was going to run away now.

"Hey," Anoop said, pointing to the front door. "You painted it."

Matt turned, remembering vaguely how it used to be yellow when he first bought the house.

"Yeah," Matt said. "My mom picked that out. She said it's Wood Ash. The color."

Anoop stared at the door for so long that Matt started to feel really uncomfortable.

"Do you want to--" he started but Anoop cut him off.

"I thought you liked the yellow door," Anoop said.

"Yeah," Matt said. "I thought you hated it."

Anoop finally looked at him again. This was the same too, the way that Anoop could be impossible to read.

"Yeah, I did," Anoop said, quietly. "I did."

"Do you want to come in?" Matt said, not sure how to respond to that.

"I can't stay long," Anoop said. He didn't move.

"Where did you come from?" Matt asked.

"I have something in Grand Rapids," Anoop said. "It's tomorrow. So I came early. I was here and then... it's your birthday..."

Matt stared. The last time he saw Anoop was the last time he ever touched him or kissed him. It was strange having Anoop right in front of him now and he really had to admit that all these old feelings had never really gone away. He stuffed his hands in his pockets so he wouldn't be tempted. He couldn't trust himself.

"I had a little dinner party tonight," Matt said. "I think all of the food came from Costco. You know me. Living it up." He tried smiling. It was his only defense.

"Yeah, I'll come in," Anoop said. "If that's okay. I'll come in."

Matt stepped aside and held his breath as Anoop came into the house. He felt idiotic when he thought back to the first time Anoop came inside and he really thought it could all work. He planned to tell Anoop about the finished basement with the bookshelf built into the wall but they never got that far before everything was over.

"It smells good," Anoop said. He was wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans that looked good on him.

"I think I just used some Febreeze," Matt said. He wandered after Anoop who was moving through the house like he knew where he was going.

"The living room looks really good," Anoop said. Matt tried to to see the house through Anoop's eyes but he had never been too sure about Anoop's thought process.

"I got a decorator," Matt said. "She helped me make all the major decisions."

"You like it here?" Anoop looked at him again and Matt felt unsteady under the weight of Anoop's gaze.

"Yeah," Matt said, hoping that was the right answer.

"Good," Anoop said. "I just..." Anoop paused and took a deep breath. "I just wonder about that sometimes."

"Of course, Anoop," Matt said.

"I want you to be happy," Anoop said, without looking at him. Then he was moving again, going up the back staircase to the piano and Matt's heart started racing. He didn't follow Anoop at first, he just watched him. Anoop stood next to the piano for a couple minutes and then he sat down on the bench.

"My piano," Matt said, lamely, and he wasn't even sure Anoop heard until he looked down at him. Then, surprisingly, Anoop started to play, something Matt had never heard before. His playing was a little clunky, the song was simple, but he was _playing_ and Matt had never seen that before. He hadn't even thought about it happening, Anoop playing his piano. He wanted to come closer but he was afraid to move. Anoop's lips were pressed together and he was obviously concentrating as he moved his fingers across the keys. Matt just wanted to touch him. Anoop looked so beautiful.

Anoop messed up somewhere in the middle and then he stopped playing. "I'm still working on it," he said, his voice carrying easily into the living room.

"What was it?" Matt asked.

"A song," Anoop said. "My song. You know, for the new CD. I learned how to play a little... I took some lessons."

"You sound good," Matt said. He made his way up the stairs. "What's it about?"

Anoop turned to him when he came closer and shook his head. Matt sat down on the bench but not too close.

"I could help," Matt said. He played a bit of the melody from memory and used his right hand to add a few embellishments.

"I'll never be that good," Anoop said. "I just need to know enough to help me flesh out a song."

"It sounded good," Matt said. "I keep the piano really well tuned. I polish her like every week. I'm taking really good care of her..." He trailed off when he realized that Anoop wasn't looking at him again. He tried to follow Anoop's gaze but once again he just felt lost.

"Charlie died," Anoop said. It took Matt a few moments to realize what he was talking about and then he sucked in his breath, the words hitting like an elbow to the gut.

"What?" Matt said. "When?"

"Today," Anoop said. His right hand hovered over the piano keys and then he rested it gently on Matt's knee. Matt tried not to shake.

"On my birthday?" Matt said.

"Yeah," Anoop said. "Sorry."

"It's not your fault," Matt said. "It's not his-- I shouldn't have said that." Matt blinked and felt stupid and a bit shaken. He wondered if Anoop would have come under different circumstances.

"His son texted me," Anoop said. "  
We kept in touch after, you know? He always wanted to know how you were doing. How's your friend? How's your friend that plays the piano? How does he like the piano?"

"What did you say?" Matt said.

"I just told him..." Anoop swallowed hard and Matt was careful not to breathe. "I said, I don't know."

Anoop's hand was still on his knee, squeezing him there now, gently. Matt rested his hand over Anoop's.

"I miss you," Matt said.

"I had to check on his piano," Anoop said. "Because I never gave him a straight answer."

"You knew it was safe with me! I said I would take really good care of it."

"I miss you, too," Anoop said, turning into him and then they were kissing like they never stopped. Matt kept telling himself this was never going to happen but that didn't stop the longing. He pressed his hands against Anoop's face and kissed him gently. Anoop was rubbing his thigh and the piano rattled softly when Matt accidentally bumped into it. Anoop stopped kissing him but they didn't pull away so their noses were still touching and when Matt opened his eyes Anoop's face was blurry in front of him.

"I wished for you," Matt whispered. "You know, when you blow out the candles?"

"Yeah?" Anoop smiled a little.

"I don't really need candles to wish for you," Matt admitted.

"I should have come sooner," Anoop said. He pulled away and Matt flexed his empty hands. "I shouldn't have just let it go when Charlie asked me."

"It's weird how life works," Matt said. "That the best and the worst things can happen on the same day."

Anoop nodded. "Yeah... the funeral home isn't too far from here. I was planning on going to the viewing."

"Yes," Matt said, even though Anoop hadn't asked. "I want to come."

"Tomorrow," Anoop said. "It's too late now. Besides, it's your birthday. Candles... does that mean you had cake?"

"Yeah," Matt said. "It's from Costco too. Not homemade this time. Do you want some?"

"I think cake is a good idea," Anoop said. He ran his hand over the keys one more time before he pulled the cover down over the keys and turned to Matt seriously. "Matt, this place really is gorgeous. I'm proud of you. I think you made the right decision."

"Really?" Matt's eyes widened because that was the last thing he ever expected to hear Anoop say.

"Yeah," Anoop said. "You did the right thing for you. Sometimes it has to be about you."

"I don't know about that," Matt said, honestly, thinking about the longing, the lonely nights, the empty space that seem to overwhelm him sometimes when he was alone in his house. But there were good things too, the CD he was finally about to release, the production studio he worked with, his loyal friends, the shows in Michigan he'd never stopped playing. Anoop smiled at him, confident and kind.

"I'm proud of you," Anoop said, again.

Matt wanted to ask what this meant, if there was ever a chance they could return to how they used to be or if Anoop would come him or if there was a new dream he should be having, if he should really get serious about the business of moving on but how could he when Anoop showed up again on his birthday with a kiss, playing his piano and smelling exactly the same?

"Thanks," Matt said. "I hope Charlie knew how much I love this piano. And the person who helped me get it." Matt's mouth felt dry but Anoop didn't skip a beat.

"I'm sure he does," Anoop said.

"It's marble," Matt said, quickly. "The cake. The best of both worlds."

"I can't remember the last time I had a marble cake," Anoop said, getting off the bench.

"It's pretty good," Matt said. "It has a vanilla filling."

"Sound interesting," Anoop said, as they made their way downstairs. "I don't want too big of a piece."

Matt pulled the cake out of the fridge as Anoop looked around. His hand was shaking slightly as he reached for a knife. Even without discussing it he knew Anoop would be spending the night and even without the candles he decided to make one more wish.

Tonight, on his birthday, he wished that he wouldn't be sleeping alone.

* 

Anoop woke up early but then again he wasn't sure if he had ever been asleep.

The guest room was painted a neutral color, a generic beige that Matt probably had the intention to change with his decorator but he obviously hadn't gotten around to it yet. Anoop tried doing some mental decorating, maybe a mellow blue with a white trim, colors Matt could appreciate. He knew it was silly but he did it anyway.

The weather was warm but not warm enough to turn on the air conditioning so Matt had showed him how to open the window. Anoop laid on top of the covers and felt the gentle breeze travel over his bare chest and between his toes. He didn't know why it felt so funny sleeping alone. He should be used to it by now.

Goodnight wasn't as awkward as he thought it was going to be. Matt showed him the room and barely stepped through the door.

"See you in the morning," Matt said, with his same smile.

He was gone before Anoop could even feel a hint of the temptation he'd been longing to feel.

Even with that question answered he couldn't sleep so he kept the blinds open as well as the window and looked out into the night occasionally, at the few stars that had managed to escape the heavy yet invisible clouds. He didn't remember the sky looking so serene the last time he'd been in that house. Then again, a lot of things had been different back then. He hadn't really noticed how cozy the house was, how much it felt like Matt, but that may have just developed over all the months he didn't visit Matt, all those weeks that he didn't call.

He wanted them to stay friends but that didn't really work out either.

Anoop watched the sun come up, a soft reds and oranges surrounded by a purple-turning-into-gold glow. Anoop often thought about what the sunrise looked to Matt but he never found the perfect time to ask. Now he felt like he'd never get a chance.

It was still way too early for Matt to be awake but Anoop couldn't stand it anymore. He eased off the bed and opened the door carefully.

Matt's house didn't creak. Anoop tried every floorboard but the wood stayed silent. The whole place was in such good condition. Anoop wondered why he didn't really notice it before.

He didn't mean to but he ended up in front of Matt's bedroom door. It was slightly cracked so it wouldn't be hard for Anoop to push it open, go over to Matt's bed and wrap his arms around him. He pressed his hand on the door slightly. It didn't move. Anoop didn't move. Not until he stepped away.

Matt had plenty of cereal in his walk-in pantry and oatmeal and there was also pancake mix and three types of syrup. Anoop found a box of strawberry poptarts on an upper shelf and helped himself to a foiled packaged pair.

He felt like he was back in college at home on a break when everything should be familiar but it wasn't anymore, like he was a guest in his own house. He knew this wasn't his house but it _could_ have been if he listened to Matt, accepted his invitation. He could be living here in Kalamazoo, making decisions like whether or not to repaint the yellow front door Wood Ash. That could have been his future, that future with new curtains and carpet samples. It was the kind of future he wanted in LA, even though his apartment was much smaller he knew that they could have made it into something they shared together.

It didn't matter now. They weren't together at either place. Anoop didn't even know why he wasted his time thinking about what could have been.

But it didn't stop him from thinking about it.

Anoop sat on the couch with his phone in his pocket, remembering when the couch and the entertainment center with the flat screen TV were the only things in the room. There was a coffee table and another sofa and a really comfortable looking recliner now, along with other knick-knacks and paintings and other sophisticated touches the decorator had probably suggested. Anoop focused on the pictures arranged carefully on the mantle above the fireplace. Matt had a picture of him and his parents, him with his band and a few more pictures with his friends. But Anoop stared at the one on the far right, the second picture from the end of the line. It was a group shot of all of them on tour in some random hotel lobby that he didn't remember but he and Matt were in the center of the group and Anoop had his arm around Matt and his other arm was wrapped around Lil's waist. It must have been toward the beginning of the tour because everyone still had bright, happy smiles and they didn't look exhausted, only tired. Anoop liked the way Matt was leaning into him. Nobody really knew about that but Anoop felt that if someone took one close look at that picture they would know everything.

He wondered if that was the reason Matt kept it around.

Anoop wouldn't eat poptarts under normal circumstances but it wasn't a normal day. His phone beeped to remind him of the radio interview he was missing and there was also an appearance at a local mall later that day. He just wasn't going to be there. He didn't know what the consequences would be--he'd never done anything like this before--but he was ready to accept them because he'd already made his choice.

He wanted to go see Charlie. But most of all he wanted to be with Matt.

Anoop turned on the TV and let it play CNN where he wouldn't be in danger of hearing anything about himself. He was halfway through his second poptart when he heard Matt come down the back staircase but he didn't look up until Matt was standing in front of him. When he did Matt was smiling at him.

"Good morning," Matt said.

"Hey," Anoop said. His voice sounded rough. He felt like he hadn't spoken in a long time. He cleared his throat. "Hi Matt."

"Hi," Matt said, resting his hand on Anoop's cheek. Anoop didn't know what was going on between them at all but he didn't care.

"How does it feel to be one year older?" Anoop asked.

"It feels weird," Matt said. "It's the other side of 25. You'll know how it feels one day."

"Yeah," Anoop said. Matt was still touching his face and then he leaned down and brushed Anoop's lips with his own so softly that it was barely a kiss but Anoop didn't move, hoping it would turn into more but Matt just took the rest of his pop tart.

"Did you sleep okay?" Matt asked.

"No," Anoop said.

Matt sat carefully on the other side of the couch, suddenly far away. "Why not?"

Anoop shook his head and shrugged.

"Me neither," Matt said.

"It wasn't the same bed," Anoop said after a few moments of silence. Matt was still chewing but he raised his eyebrows.

"You know," Anoop continued. "In the guest room. It's not the same as in yours..."

Anoop didn't know why he remembered or even expected Matt too but then Matt nodded slowly. "Yeah," he said. "Well, that bed was too expensive. I guess there was only meant to be one."

Anoop pulled his legs up so he was sitting cross-legged on the couch and then he realized that he hadn't put a shirt on. He crossed his arms over his chest, feeling stupid. Finally, he sighed, dropping his arms to his sides again and then he looked at Matt again, reluctantly.

Matt was watching him. "I'm sorry, Noop," he said. Before Anoop could ask him what he was sorry about his phone started ringing loudly, reminding him of all the responsibilities he was just ignoring. He rejected the call and turned his phone to silent.

Anoop didn't remember when he slid closer but now he and Matt were sitting so their legs were almost touching. Matt had finished the poptart and he held the foil wrapper loosely in his fist.

"This is confusing," Matt said and Anoop had to agree, even though he knew exactly what he was going to do.

He didn't come to Matt's house with the intention of hooking up with him. It was about the piano, it was about Charlie, it was about closure, but now he was here and this was all his lips wanted to do. He kissed Matt slowly, savoring the sweetness of his lips and the taste of Matt's tongue in his mouth. He tasted like mouthwash and that strawberry poptart and that unexplainable tangy way that Anoop missed. He didn't even want to try to go any further, just pulled away when both of their lips were slick and he felt satisfied somewhere deep in his stomach that food couldn't touch.

"How long are you staying?" Matt asked.

Anoop wiped the corner of his mouth. "I can never stay long."

"Oh." Matt sighed and then stood up. "I knew that. I'm going to have cake for breakfast. There's still a lot of cake."

Anoop didn't follow him to the kitchen. He looked out the glass doors that led to the back deck and the perfectly maintained lawn. He had to admit that he didn't think Matt was going to do such a good job with this place. He didn't know why that made him sad.

"So how did Charlie die?" Matt asked, coming back in the living room with his cake. When he sat down they were far apart again.

"The text didn't say," Anoop said. "I guess old age."

"He wasn't that old," Matt said. "At least he didn't seem like it. Was he?"

"Old enough," Anoop said and then he wished he hadn't because it sounded so callous. He just bit his lip and glanced up at the piano.

"He didn't seem that old," Matt mumbled through a mouthful of cake. He continued when he swallowed. "I remember when he gave the piano to me. It was like he knew me. I don't know how to explain it. He seemed like he knew about... us. How we used to be."

Anoop didn't need to look at Matt to know what he was talking about. He kept his eyes on the piano. It had been nice to play it. He could feel Matt in the keys, his energy, all the time he put into the instrument. It made him not want to play it. It made him want to never stop.

"Did you tell him?" Matt said.

"Of course not," Anoop said.

"Oh," Matt said. "I always wondered. Because it would have been okay if you had."

Anoop felt like he was the king of wrong answers when it came to Matt. Wrong answers and bad timing. He got off the couch and wiped his sweaty palms on his shorts.

"I want to wear something nice to the funeral home," Anoop said. "But I don't really have anything. Usually the stylist--"

"You can look in my closet," Matt said. "Maybe something in there will work. Just go upstairs, it's cool."

Anoop headed up the stairs without another word. He paused outside the door, thinking about the last time he'd been in there. His hands shook slightly but eventually he pushed open the door.

Matt's bedroom was much nicer now, the bed neatly situated in the middle of the room surrounded by the dresser and a wardrobe and a nightstand. He'd repainted it a fresh looking gray color that managed to be hip and not depressing. It didn't seem like the same room at all and Anoop was grateful. His heartbeat slowed as he cross the room to the closet. He turned on the light and looked at all of Matt's shirt, separated by color. He didn't know where to start before he saw a familiar cuff peeking from between two black shirts and then he pulled it down from the hanger.

"This is mine," Anoop said when Matt finally got up there. "I've been looking for this."

"Yeah," Matt said with a smile. "I was hoping you'd come back for that."

* 

For a long time Matt resented the house. He thought about the time he sat in the bathroom and just cried and then there wasn't any toilet paper and he had to wipe his face on his shirt and fuzzy stuff got stuck to his lips and he looked in the mirror at his eyes all red and wild and pathetic and he just started crying again and it was awful because he hadn't cried that way in such a long time, probably not since he was a kid or maybe it was the first time he got really drunk in college.

He didn't cry after that. Instead he felt angry, quietly angry, not in a way that anyone would know but he felt it inside when he was buying toilet paper or locking all the doors. He was angry enough not to make sure the bulbs Tiffany got him were planted in the garden on the side of the house. He was angry enough to let the crack in the basement wall linger even though the inspector had told him to make sure that got fixed. He was angry whenever his mom brought up that front door, back when it was yellow, because he remember the horrified look on Anoop that Anoop probably thought he hid but Matt knew, he knew the whole time and he didn't even know why he even pretended there was a possibility that the weekend could play out any other way, that Anoop would want to stay there with him. But he pretended and he wished and he prayed--up to the very last moment in church he prayed--but they only ended up saying goodbye at the airport for the last time.

He was angry. And Anoop never called him. So he was also lonely. And there was nobody to tell. So he was also alone.

There was nothing he did, no magic solution for it all. Just one day he made plans with Tiffany to go the garden section of Home Depot and another day he called someone to take a look at the basement and finally he painted the door.

Plus, he had the piano.

He started the day playing it and it was the last thing he touched before bed. When he sat at the bench he felt connected to everything. He wrote so many songs and then he recorded them and now, after a long time and a few false starts, he had his first major CD ready and he was satisfied. It was a good time in his life. He felt accomplished. He felt relaxed. He was finally moving on.

Winter ended, spring came slowly, and his house felt like home because it was his home and sometimes Matt was proud of himself and sometimes he was still a little sad. He watched Anoop's performances on youtube and bought all of his songs. He even sent him a card for Christmas and his birthday, separate cards because he knew that was important.

Life was shaping up in a way where Matt could be happy.

Then Anoop came back. On his birthday.

Anoop looked good in a pair of Matt's old slacks from college and that shirt Matt had kept and then he pretended he just forgot about it but he was still secretly keeping it among his things so maybe he hadn't totally moved on. The pants were a little big but the shirt still fit perfectly. Matt wished they weren't going to a funeral home. He also wished they didn't start making out at random moments.

He definitely hadn't totally moved on.

Matt waited in the car and punched the address in his GPS. Anoop went back to get a tissue for his glasses and Matt tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. Then he noticed Anoop's phone buzzing in the passenger seat. He picked it up and stared at all the missed calls, most of them from Anoop's manager. He handed the phone to Anoop when he got back in the car.

"Do you need to make a phone call?" Matt asked.

Anoop shook his head. "I'm okay."

Matt eased out of the driveway and drove slowly down the street. There weren't any people around but he stuck to the speed limit. Matt glanced at Anoop staring out the window from the corner of his eye.

"What are you thinking about?" Matt asked before he could stop himself.

"It's built up around here," Anoop said. "Like we passed Charlie's street. They paved it."

"He lived over there?" Matt knew exactly what street Anoop was talking about. He wondered if he passed Charlie on the street or in the grocery store. He barely knew the guy, someone who had given him one of the best presents of his life and now he was dead so never would.

Matt felt guilty about that.

"I haven't been to too many funerals," Anoop said.

"I thought we were just going to the viewing," Matt said, heart seizing suddenly. He wasn't prepared for all of that.

"Yeah," Anoop said. "I haven't been to too many funerals or viewings or anything, I mean."

"Me neither," Matt said and he felt guilty for a different reason, maybe guilty for having a good life so far. He pressed his lips together as he got on the highway. He tried not to breathe or smile when Anoop took his hand but then he was breathing and smiling and holding Anoop's hand and he wished they weren't going to see a dead body and he wished like hell he hadn't made a promise to himself that he was moving on.

The drive only took 45 minutes and Matt saw his name on the marquee. It said Charles Martin. He wondered how many Charles Martin's were in the world and how many of them died on his birthday.

"We're not going to stay long," Anoop said. "I mean, we don't have to."

"Let's just stay however you feel like," Matt said. "Whatever feels right."

Matt was a little nervous, especially when they walked through the parking lot and Anoop was still holding his hand. He dropped it when they got to the double doors and a serious looking man was waiting on the other side.

"You can sign there," he said, pointing to a heavy, important looking book that rested on a podium. There were plants all around and flowers. Matt wondered where the body was.

"I'll sign for you," Anoop said and Matt appreciated the way he carefully looped the "G" in "Giraud."

The body was in another room off to the right and there were pews like a church and the casket was a dark wood. There were even more flowers that Matt wished he could name but he didn't even know what was growing in his own yard. Charlie looked like he did when he met him, just thinner and paler and dead but it wasn't scary. Matt was more worried about Anoop, who stared at the casket solemnly. They both left their phones in the car.

"What are you thinking now?" Matt asked in a quiet voice.

Anoop didn't answer. Matt moved closer and put his arm around him. He rubbed Anoop's arm until Anoop rested his head against Matt's. He wanted to say something but he also didn't want to move.

"Anoop?" someone said behind them. "Anoop Desai?"

Matt jumped away from him quickly and when he finally turned around he saw a well-dressed guy who looked about ten years older than them standing there in a suit with a bluetooth earpiece blinking blue in the dim light coming from the stained glass windows.

"Hi," the guy said. "My name's Bradley. I'm Charlie's son. Thanks for coming."

"Of course," Anoop said, shaking Bradley's hand. Matt felt awkward but Bradley shook his hand too with a kind smile.

"I recognize you," Bradley said.

"Matt," Anoop said. "My friend."

"Everyone loves him in West Michigan," Bradley said. "Thank you, Matt."

"I'm sorry about your dad," Matt said. "I only met him once but he was great."

"Yes, he was," Bradley said. "You're the one he gave the piano to. Yeah, he liked to talk about that. He liked to talk about that fine fellow, Anoop. He was really smitten by you."

Matt smiled because it was kind of a strange choice of words. He knew how easily someone could be smitten by Anoop.

"I enjoyed talking to him," Anoop said. "I wish we talked more."

"Yeah, my dad liked to talk," Bradley said. "And he was generous. Probably overly so. He always liked to give and he never asked for as much as he deserved. Do you know he was a teacher? He could have been in the administration, like principal or something like that. But no, he chose to stay in the classroom. Because he loved the students. But that also meant he stayed at a classroom salary."

Bradley smiled, somewhat sadly. Matt glanced at Anoop quickly but Anoop's eyes were focused on Bradley.

"He was giving everything away," Bradley said. "His time, his money, his things. I know it made him happy, just to help people. He liked to help them and rescue them... I can't even tell you how many lost teenagers we had over our house. I don't mean physically lost but like they didn't have any guidance. You know...?"

Matt nodded quickly. He'd seen so many of those just hanging around Kalamazoo and during his volunteer work. He was glad Charlie was that type of man.

"He did so much," Bradley continued. "But there was a lot he didn't do. Frankly, he should have put himself first sometimes. Especially when my mom got sick. Just a lot happened in a short amount of time. We're still reeling from it. There was just so much that we couldn't take care of. But we were working on it. And now this... I mean, my dad..." Bradley trailed off with a sigh. "I don't mean to unload on you guys, I'm sorry. It's a stressful time as you can imagine. My mom's medical bills and..." This time Bradley met his eyes and Matt felt something like dread pool at the pit of his stomach. "I told him to sell that piano. I don't... I'm not sure if you guys know how much it's worth but... but--but my dad!" Bradley's laugh sounded a little bitter. "He lived to make other people happy, I guess. I hope..." Bradley trailed off again and then he took off his earpiece. This time he spoke in a low voice as if he didn't want Charlie to overhear from his casket. "I think you know what I'm saying here. Matt, Anoop,"--Bradley looked at each one of them in turn-- "That piano could solve everything."

Matt felt frozen. He didn't know what to say until he felt Anoop's hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Bradley," Anoop said, his voice not as friendly as it had just been. "I'm really sorry for your loss. Matt, I think we should go now."

"I could make this a big deal," Bradley said, not urgently but Matt believed him. "I don't want to do that. It was just a mistake. The piano belongs in my family."

"Let's go," Anoop said. He didn't take Matt's hand but he pulled him by his arm and soon they were outside again where it had gotten about ten degrees warmer and Matt wanted to rip off his coat.

"Asshole," Anoop hissed as Matt unlocked the car.

"What?" Matt said. "Noop, he's not an asshole. His dad just died!"

"He was probably waiting..." Anoop said. "It was the only reason he let me know."

"I can give it back..." Matt's hand shook as he turned the key in the ignition. He just couldn't imagine it, both of his parents dead. He didn't want to think about it at all. "I can get my own piano--"

"No," Anoop said, sharply, clapping his hand on Matt's thigh. "It's not his decision to make. Charlie gave the piano to you. It was his to give away."

"If it's mine now then it's mine to give away." Matt turned off the car because he couldn't concentrate. "Anoop, you heard him. They need the money. I don't need the money."

"You don't need the money," Anoop snapped. "You need the _piano_. It happened for a reason, Matt! He'll figure it out. Don't you remember how Charlie was that night? He knew what he was doing! It was _special_... you're special. Matt..." Their faces were close again and Matt wasn't sure who kissed who first but it was happening again and Matt slipped his fingers in Anoop's hair and Anoop's hand traveled up his shirt and caressed his side until they finally pulled away.

"What are we doing?" Anoop whispered but it sounded like he was talking more to himself.

"I don't know," Matt answered anyway.

"I think I made a mistake," Anoop said, looking up at him.

"Would you have come and seen me if Charlie hadn't died?" Matt asked. "Were you ever going to come and see me? Or call me? Or talk to me at all?"

Anoop turned away and didn't say anything. Matt felt that familiar feeling, that anger, and his hand shook for a different reason but this time he was able to turn the car back on and back out of his parking space.

"I don't know," Anoop said when they were back on the road. "But there's not one day I didn't think about you."

"I reached out to you, Anoop," Matt said. "I tried. You just ignored me."

"I know. I'm sorry, Matt."

Matt didn't want to look at him anymore because it was too tempting. He kept his eyes on the road and thankfully Anoop kept his hands to himself.

Anoop's phone buzzed as they got back into Matt's driveway. This time Anoop answered it.

"Hi," he said. "I had an emergency. Right. Yes. I'm just an hour away. I'll be there. Yes--" Anoop dropped the phone in his lap and laughed. "They're not happy. I gotta go, Matt."

Matt closed his eyes for a long time. When he opened them again he half-expected Anoop to be gone but he was still right there.

"I guess you have to go," Matt said. He clutched the steering wheel like they were going somewhere but he was going nowhere.

"Matt..." Anoop said.

"I'm staying here," Matt said. "I'm not leaving."

Anoop ran his hand over his hair and then Matt turned him because he could never resist. He hugged Anoop tightly, angry all over again but mostly at himself because he didn't know how to let this go.

"Matt," Anoop said. Matt held his breath, he prepared himself to turn away if Anoop tried to kiss him but Anoop just stayed close in their embrace.

"I didn't tell you before," Anoop continued. "But I love you."

Matt bit his lip because it was unfair. This was everything he was waiting for but now he had to decide if it was too late.

"Don't give up that piano," Anoop said. "You'll regret it. I know... about things like that."

Anoop got out of the car before Matt could say anything. He waited until Anoop's car was gone and out of sight before he buried his face in the steering wheel and wondered why he didn't just say it back.

* 

Anoop made it down the street and out of the neighborhood and his GPS was urging him toward the highway but he missed the exit and then he circled the block, following the right turns, until he ended up in a parking lot and then he just stopped.

He couldn't do this. Not again.

His manager seemed to pick up before he even hit send.

"What's up?" he asked.

"I'm not coming," Anoop said. Calvin groaned loudly.

"What's going on?" he demanded.

"I really do have..." Anoop stared down at the unfamiliar dashboard--the bright blue display of the radio--and sighed. "It's an emergency."

"Did you fall down and break your head?" Calvin said. "What's so emergent?"

Anoop opened his mouth a couple of times but nothing seemed to work. Finally he covered his eyes with his hand as if Calvin was in the room.

"It's Matt..." Anoop said. "I went to see him."

Calvin didn't say anything for a few moments. Anoop heard him take a deep breath and then exhale slowly. "Oh."

"I--" Anoop started.

"Do we have a gameplan here?" Calvin said. "Or... what's going on? I thought this was... over? Come on, Anoop, give me something. I can make excuses but it's not forever. When you start burning bridges left and right it's both our paychecks. I'm just... I don't want to be a jerk. I'm worried about you. That's all."

"Give me today," Anoop said. He ended the call and stared out the window.

He tried not to think about it but once he started he couldn't stop. It was true he hadn't been to many funerals but the last one had been the death of a friend. His life changed. He wanted to be better. He only wanted to focus on the things that really mattered. For a while it worked. But now he was messing up all over again. He shouldn't have let it go. Not for this long.

The GPS stayed silent on his way back to Matt's house. Everything was still and silent. Anoop thought about the first time he saw it. He should have been impressed, even with the yellow door. He took a minute to appreciate the landscaping, like the well-manicured bushes in the front yard and tall, sprawling maple tree, even though it looked like it must have dropped a million leaves on the lawn in the fall. Anoop was heading for the front door when he noticed the flowers on the sides, yellow ones like Daffodils and pink ones that he couldn't name but they were pretty. Anoop stepped off the front walk into the springy grass as he made his way around to the side. He kept walking even when he saw Matt on the ground, working in the dirt, still dressed in the nice clothes he wore the funeral home. He stood there until Matt looked up.

"What are those called?" he asked, pointing at the pink flowers.

Matt scratched his head, blinking in the sun. "I don't know. I just call them lilies."

"Lilies are white."

"Pink lilies," Matt said. "They look kind of white to me."

Anoop smiled. They didn't say anything for a few minutes until Anoop crouched on the grass beside Matt.

"You're getting stains on my pants," Matt said.

"You mean just how you're getting stains on your pants," Anoop said. He reached over and rubbed the side of Matt's leg very briefly. "I'll do the laundry."

"You don't even know where my laundry is," Matt said.

"I'll find out," Anoop said quietly, staring into Matt's eyes.

"What stain releaser do you use?" Matt asked, looking back at him seriously.

"Whatever's on sale," Anoop said.

Matt stared at him a little longer, intensely, and then he nodded. "My mom bought me Tide. I hope you can work with that."

"I think I've used that particular brand before," Anoop said. He wanted to grab Matt but then Matt threw a clump of dirt at him. It hit him square in the chest and slid down his shirt.

"Hey," Anoop said. "You know this shirt is mine."

"I know," Matt said. He leaned over, slapping the dirt against Anoop's chest now, really rubbing it in. Anoop pushed his hand away but Matt only got more dirt and threw it at him. Anoop grabbed a handful of his own and tossed it while turning his face away from Matt's latest assault. There was dirt everywhere. He threw some more dirt randomly and Matt yelped.

"You got it in my eye!" he said.

"Well, you got it in my shirt. This is an expensive shirt!"

"You left that here," Matt said breathlessly. "So you didn't care that much."

He didn't know how it started exactly but then he was on top of Matt and it felt so _good_ touching him again and they were rolling around, wrestling in the grass and then Anoop was under Matt and they were kissing in the yard, Anoop's legs wrapped around Matt and his hands were traveling up and down Matt's back and he grabbed his ass and it had been so long he thought he was going to explode even from just this much and he was pretty sure they were never going to stop but then Matt pulled away and Anoop wasn't sure if he was still breathing.

"Everything's dirty now," Matt said.

"I'll fix it," Anoop gasped out. He took a deep breath, tried to slow his heart down. "I'll fix everything."

"What are we going to do?" Matt sat back on Anoop's legs. Anoop turned his head and looked out toward the street. There still wasn't anyone around and he was a little disappointed about that.

"Laundry," Anoop said.

"You know what I'm talking about, Noop," Matt said, smiling.

"First," Anoop said. He pushed Matt's shirt up and caressed Matt's sides. He missed touching him so much. He didn't even know how much he missed it. "First," Anoop said, in a lower voice. "We're going to get out of our clothes. We can't let those stains set in."

* 

Miraculously they did manage to get the clothes in the wash and Anoop did like Matt's basement. But he liked Matt's bed more and he always had. Afterward they laid together on Matt's pillows, half-covered by the sheets. Matt rested his head on Anoop's chest and Anoop felt Matt's curly hair tickle the underside of his chin.

"Are you thinking about a haircut soon?" Anoop asked. He rested his hand on whatever part of Matt's body he could touch. He hadn't stopped touching him once.

"You're always trying to change everything about me," Matt said and Anoop wondered if that was really a joke.

"I love the way you are, Matt," Anoop said.

"Except where I live," Matt said. Anoop didn't say anything for a moment. He couldn't completely deny that.

"I was upset..." Anoop said. "I acted hastily. I just felt blindsided, Matt. I thought we had a plan."

"It was your plan," Matt said. He sat up and kissed Anoop lightly. "You never really asked me."

Anoop watched Matt as he rolled out of bed. He still had the same smattering of freckles, the same squeezable ass. Anoop didn't know how he let Matt go for so long.

Matt pulled on a pair of underwear and then tossed Anoop a pair of shorts.

"But that doesn't mean I didn't want us to be together," Matt said thoughtfully. "Or live together. I just couldn't do LA."

"I'm getting out of there myself," Anoop said.

Matt turned to him, eyes wide. "Really?"

Anoop nodded and looked at the shorts in his hand. "You know I don't have any underwear, right?"

Matt stared for a moment longer and then he gave Anoop that familiar grin. "That's the way I like it."

Anoop doubted that anything could have happened in the half hour he was gone but he was still relieved when he walked out the bedroom and saw that the piano was still there. He patted the top of it as Matt sat down at the bench.

"What can you play?" Matt asked. It took Anoop a moment to realize what he was talking about.

"Oh," Anoop said. "Not much."

"I want to teach you something," Matt said. He patted the space beside him. Anoop sat close and looked over into his green eyes.

"It's a song," Matt said, pressing a few random keys.

"Oh really?" Anoop said. "I thought it was going to be a dance."

Matt laughed in that familiar, infectious way and Anoop found himself laughing too. He started playing something and then looked at Anoop like he just expected him to jump in.

"What?" Anoop said.

"It's a duet! I made it up."

"Matt, I don't know what you're playing. I'm not like you, I can't just hear it and know what to do. Where's the sheet music?"

Matt looked annoyed for a moment. "I told you I made it up, Noop! Okay, well you play this part." Matt played the simple melody part of the song. Anoop figured he had been playing both parts of the duet at the same time or something. "Like this," Matt said, running through it again, effortlessly. Anoop put his finger on the first note and he was instantly lost.

"Can you..." Anoop said. "Break it down?"

Matt laughed and played the first part slower. Then he pointed to each key and sang the melody to keep Anoop on rhythm. Anoop had almost forgotten how much he loved Matt's voice and the way he could find him casually singing to himself at random times during the day.

"Okay, you're doing good!" Matt said. Anoop smiled ruefully. He felt like a fourth grader as Matt clapped his hands to keep Anoop on beat but his fingers were clumsy so he was always falling behind.

"You're getting it!" Matt said, cheerfully. On the next run-through Matt joined him and Anoop became completely distracted by Matt's hands and how he made the song seem beautiful and simple and intricate all at the same time and he lost his place. Matt took over playing both parts again with his eyes closed. Anoop rested his head on Matt's shoulder and he could feel the music pulsating through Matt's skin. Matt's fingers flew over the keys, graceful and strong. His fingers could light a fire on those keys and Anoop was well aware of what those fingers could do to him. Anoop wasn't meant to play like that. For him, the piano playing was a perfunctory skill, a means to an end. For Matt it was a way of life.

He couldn't give up that piano.

"We'll work on it more later," Matt said, ending the song gently.

"Why did you write it?" Anoop asked. He didn't move his head. Matt put his arm around Anoop but he could still reach the keys.

"It was just in my head one night," Matt said. "Like, in a dream. I just wrote it for me."

"A duet for one person?"

"Well..." Matt didn't say anything for a moment. "I guess I just wished that the right person would be around to play the other part."

Anoop sat up, rolled his shoulders back so his back cracked a little. He wanted to go sleep. He wanted to stare at Matt for days.

"I don't think that right person is me," Anoop said. "I'm not too good at the piano."

"Yeah, I noticed." Matt laughed and poked him in the ribs. "But I love you for trying. I love you."

Anoop smiled, grateful that they were back to this again. "Yeah," he said.

"Oh, it's just a given!" Matt said. "It's a given that you come visit me, leave me quite rudely, don't call me, come back, leave me again and then come back and I'm still supposed to automatically be all in love with you?"

Anoop smiled at Matt's fake-outraged face although it was closer to a blush. "Well--" he said.

"But nothing's really _changed_ ," Matt said. "So I don't really know what to think."

"Yeah," Anoop said. "Except that's not true. Something has changed."

"You're moving from LA," Matt said, eyes widening as if he just remembered.

"Yeah, but that's not what I was talking about." Anoop took Matt's hand because he'd meant to do it earlier and he wanted him to stop tinkering with the piano for one moment. "I've changed. And I realized that we just have to enjoy the moments we have when we're together and work hard for that."

Matt looked at him for a long moment and then shook his head. "Noop, it still doesn't sound perfect."

Anoop nodded and looked at the floor for a moment. "Yeah," he said, taking in Matt's eyes again, the weight of Matt's hand in his own, the slightly nervous way Matt was jiggling his foot. He placed his free hand on Matt's knee. "I think that's what I realized. It's not perfect. But that's okay because it never will be."

* 

Matt followed Anoop downstairs when the washer buzzed again, insistently, but he didn't go all the way to the basement. He got himself a bottle of water from the fridge and after a moment he got Anoop one too because it was like that again. At least for now.

The only piece of furniture in his house that wasn't new was the couch. He even replaced the entertainment center to one his mom picked out of a catalog because he trusted her taste. But he had to keep the couch. It was so comfortable. A lot of things happened on that couch. Things he wanted to remember. Things he wanted to forget.

Anoop came back with a big smile on his face and his hands smelled like dryer sheets. Matt loved all of Anoop's different smiles and this one was no exception, sort of lopsided and a little too excited. Matt remembered Anoop tended to smile like that after sex sometimes or maybe some fancy meal that Matt thought he wouldn't like but then he really did. He couldn't help smiling back when Anoop put his fresh-smelling hands on Matt's face and kissed him a couple of times.

"I've got the laundry under control," Anoop said. He kissed him again, harder. Matt placed his hands on Anoop's sides as Anoop straddled him and it was so easy to get caught up again in the kissing and the touching and the laughing and good times they had together. Matt had craved it for so long. He still _wanted_ it especially with Anoop's lips pressed warmly against his neck and the way Anoop was rocking his hips against him. It was easy to get carried away, to think that things really could be different. But Matt managed to pull away after a few minutes and he turned his head. When he looked at Anoop again, Anoop's mouth was open and he was looking at Matt with a completely different expression in his eyes, the smile gone. Matt swallowed hard because he didn't think Anoop realized it.

He wasn't the only one who had changed.

"Matt?" Anoop said. He got off of him slowly and sat on the couch beside him. Now Anoop had a different look on his face, that carefully blank face that Matt could never read, the one where his lips were pressed together and his eyes were slightly unfocused. Matt grabbed his arm and shook him a little.

"Noop, don't get mad," Matt said. "Can I just talk to you?"

"Sorry." Anoop looked at him again and Matt was relieved.

"We really need to think..." Matt took a deep breath that actually hurt.

"About what?" Anoop said.

Matt frowned, trying to think about how to put his thoughts into words. It helped when Anoop started raking his fingers through his hair. He leaned his head against Anoop's hand.

"You can talk to me about anything," Anoop said after a moment.

"Anoop," Matt said. Anoop kissed him lightly and rested his forehead against his for a moment.

"Did you see anyone else?" Matt asked. He was grateful when Anoop pulled away. "You know..."

Anoop shook his head. "But it doesn't matter," he said in a low voice. "Unless... you're still seeing someone... I didn't ask."

"No, Anoop," Matt said. "I mean, I'm not now but yeah... after a little while. I wouldn't call it seeing her exactly, it wasn't serious but..."

"What's the point of this, Matt?" Anoop said sharply. Matt sat up a little straighter.

"She was very nice," Matt said quietly. "We're still friends. She's a lot of fun. Her parents own a dairy farm and I got to to feed a baby cow. It was really cool. We should go!"

"You want to go to a dairy farm?" Anoop asked. Matt looked at him slightly confused and then they both started laughing. It always felt natural to kiss him. Matt didn't want to lose that.

"I don't know why I said that part about the dairy farm," Matt said. "I just really liked that day."

"It sounds like fun," Anoop said. It was a lie but Matt appreciated it. "I don't know too much about dairy farms."

"They have this really great ice cream store," Matt said. "It's right near a bike store. They make the ice cream fresh every day. It was really neat to see. I actually played a small show there and they let me make up a flavor and they named it after me."

"What did you make?" Anoop asked.

"It was vanilla ice cream with Mackinac fudge." Matt smiled at the memory. "Have you had that? Oh, you have to, it's one of the things Michigan is famous for. I'll have to take you to the Mackinac bridge. It had the fudge and there was also a caramel ribbon and crushed waffle cone pieces." Matt laughed a little. "I stole that idea from Stephen Colbert. You know, the American Dreams flavor." It felt good confessing that to Anoop. Matt hadn't really told anyone he basically plagiarized Ben & Jerry's but nobody ever asked. Anoop nodded thoughtfully.

"Why'd you stop seeing her?"

Matt shrugged. "Hung up on you, Noop, I guess. I don't know. I liked her but I really wasn't that into her. But it made me realize a few things."

"Like what?" Anoop asked.

"Like how long it was going to take me to get over you." Matt laughed a little and took a long drink from his water bottle. "That was cheesy. I've been listening to the radio too much."

Anoop smiled and Matt felt a little more brave.

"But we had a lot of fun together like going out to eat and holding hands at the history museum and going to meet her parents at the dairy farm. Just being together with her, it was so easy. And she'd talk sometimes like... about kids and stuff. I realized that's what... that's what I want."

Matt dared to look at Anoop and he was just watching him, not with that scary unreadable look but now he looked sympathetic, like he understood a little.

"Stuff like this," Matt said. He grabbed Anoop's hand and pulled it into his lap. He kissed Anoop's knuckles and sighed. "I just had my birthday. I'm 26 years old, Anoop. I love being with you and we can be together for a long time but..." He trailed off, squeezing Anoop's hand even harder. "I want a family. What do you think about that, Noop? I mean, honestly." Matt paused but he didn't let going to Anoop's hand. Anoop squeezed his hand back.

"Not now or next year or even like, five years, but..." Anoop's hand was damp between his hands and he wondered which one of them was sweating. "I'm just not getting any younger. It's harder for me to... start over."

"I know what you're saying," Anoop said and his voice almost made Matt jump for some reason.

"What do you think?" Matt whispered.

Anoop didn't say anything.

"If it could all be with you," Matt said, thinking out loud now. "I think I'd like that. I mean, that's what I want."

Anoop was staring at the floor but he hadn't removed his hand so Matt took that as a good sign.

"She loved my house." Matt laughed weakly. Anoop looked up and then he did pull his hand away from Matt's. He drew himself up straighter. Matt hated that sometimes he was scared to look into Anoop's eyes.

"What do you want me to say?" Anoop asked.

"I told you, I don't want everything right now!" Matt said. "Or maybe never. But... is it even a possibility? That's all I'm asking. I wanted to tell you what I think I want. Shouldn't we be on the same page? Noop." He bit his lip for a moment. "You don't get to make all the rules."

Anoop rested his hand on his chin, leaning over his long legs. Matt wanted to touch him but he didn't. Not yet.

"Come on, Anoop," Matt finally said. "It took me a lot to tell you that." He waited while Anoop scrubbed a hand through his hair and then caught Matt's eye again. "Can't you tell me anything you're thinking?"

"I'm thinking about everything," Anoop said. "I'm thinking that you're right. Life is short. You have to go after the things you want. That's the only thing anyone has time for."

"I--" Matt started, opening his mouth, but Anoop stopped him by grabbing Matt's shoulders.

"I want you," Anoop said simply.

"Do you think..." Matt continued. "The future..."

"I don't know everything that's going to happen," Anoop said. "But I'm telling you, Matt, I'm committed to giving this all that I've got. I had to come back so I could do just that. I never do things halfway." He laughed a little. "I already tried living without you... it just didn't work."

"But a _family_ ," Matt insisted. "It can't always be just about us. Even before that. There's other people..."

"I told Calvin," Anoop said. Matt's eyebrows shot up to his forehead before he could stop himself.

"When?" he asked.

"Before..." Anoop said. "You know. I told him everything. He knows why I'm here right now. I begged him for one day to..."

Matt stared, his heart beating faster but in a good way. He honestly didn't think that Anoop would tell anyone about him ever but he told Calvin, a long time ago even. He had already started to hope but now he began to feel less frightened of it.

"I work for the things that I want," Anoop said. "I'll do whatever it takes."

Matt could have said other things, like he was just scared of getting so fucking _hurt_ again but there was no blood oath they could make to ensure that wouldn't happen, not with Anoop, not with anyone. Matt knew that. He also knew that Anoop didn't lie. He would do everything he could to give Matt what he needed.

Matt just didn't know if, ultimately, that would be enough.

"It's hard, Noop," Matt said after a few minutes. He smiled sheepishly to cover up everything else he was feeling.

"Yeah," Anoop said.

"If you'll do whatever it takes," Matt said in a small voice. "Why don't you come here?"

Anoop didn't answer. Instead he moved in for a kiss and Matt kissed him back. He allowed himself to be swept up in the kissing and touching and all the physical stuff they did stuff, the pleasure that he craved and while it could get them far he knew that wouldn't solve everything. Eventually they would be at this crossroads once again and Matt didn't know how long he was willing to circle that same path.

* 

Anoop left as soon as the dryer went off. He jogged down the steps to the finished basement and looked around. It really was a nice house, especially with that basement. There was so much extra space. The basement could be an extra bedroom or an entertainment room or maybe they could wall if off and make their own studio. He really loved the bookshelf that was built right into the wall.

If they lived there together those were the kinds of plans that Anoop would make.

He wanted to be alone for a little bit so he took his time. He pulled Matt's shirt out of the dryer and folded it carefully. Then he shook out the pants he'd borrowed from Matt and folded them in the same way. He took a deep breath holding the pants that Matt had worn to the funeral home up to his face. If he lived here this could be all the time, washing Matt's clothes and putting them away next to his own. Or maybe Matt would do it. Anoop realized that he really didn't know.

Anoop had also washed his underwear and his outfit from yesterday so he put that on again, changing out of the shorts Matt let him borrow. His shirt was the last thing. He balled it up in his hands and dropped it on the floor. Then he laid down on the plush beige carpet and used the shirt for a pillow as he stared at the ceiling. He could hear the piano, faintly from above.

If he lived there he could always hear the piano.

He stayed on the floor even after the music stopped because the carpet was comfortable and he was tired. Matt came down a few minutes later and sat on his knees beside him.

"You okay?" Matt asked.

Anoop nodded and gazed up at him. If he lived here he could be seeing this all the time.

"The floor is really comfortable," Anoop said. Matt smiled and kissed him lightly.

"I've definitely taken a nap here," Matt said, stretching out on his stomach next to Anoop. "But I think it was mostly due to the fact that I had a lot of beers and then I passed out here."

Anoop laughed a little. "When was that?"

"Oh, a few months ago. Housewarming party. Got a little silly. You know how I do." Matt grinned and Anoop reached out to stroke his cheek.

"How was the party?" he asked.

"A lot of fun," Matt said. "I got the place all decorated. I was feeling like a superstar."

Anoop kept his hand on Matt's face. He hated that he'd missed so much.

"You did do a good job putting this together," Anoop said. He couldn't think of anything he'd add but then again Anoop had never owned a house before.

"I guess I'm not a screw up at everything," Matt said, with one of his self-deprecating smiles now. Anoop shook his head slightly. "Just most things."

"Matt," Anoop said.

"Just forget about what I was talking about upstairs," Matt said. "It doesn't matter. I don't even know what I was talking about. You're right, we can do this. It doesn't have to be perfect. Noop, I just want to be with you. I...." He trailed off and Anoop gripped Matt's elbow. "I don't want you to... I'm scared you'll change your mind. Forget what I said."

"Matt," Anoop said, holding his elbow tighter. "No. I needed to hear you say that. I'm not going to forget it. I want the same things."

"I was just talking," Matt said. "I don't even know what I was saying. You know how I get. Just talking and talking and talking--"

"Matt!" Anoop yelled. He clenched his teeth together, exasperated, and then he almost laughed at Matt's shocked face. "Shut up," Anoop said kissing him firmly. He kissed him again, gentler this time. He rolled over and straddled Matt so they could kiss some more. Anoop finally pulled away and wiped his mouth after a moment.

"I love you," Anoop said after a few moments. "Let's just do this. All we have to do is do this."

Matt smiled, eyes still wide and slightly hesitant. "You make me nervous," Matt said.

"You make me nervous," Anoop said, staring down at him. Matt laughed, a quick breathy giggle.

"You make me happy," Anoop added.

"Me too," Matt said.

"I guess they cancel each other out." Anoop got off of Matt and stood up. He grabbed both of Matt's hands and pulled him up.

"Much better than the last time I was on that floor," Matt said. "Although I did have a pretty good time before that part."

Anoop laughed and started to say something when his stomach growled so loudly that they both looked down at in in surprise.

"I'm hungry too," Matt said. "Haven't eaten since breakfast and it's past 6 now. You wanna go somewhere? Believe it or not we have restaurants here, Noop. And not just Red Lobster but like restaurants you would like. In fact, I just did this opening the other day for this Asian fusion restaurant. There was all sorts of exotic stuff there, I didn't touch it. They had eel and pufferfish. We could go there. I like the Indian place downtown. There's Greek... I don't know, what are you in the mood for? It's really building up."

"I want to take you out," Anoop said. Matt stared at him for a moment and then laughed.

"How can you take me out? You don't even know where you are!"

"Then tell me," Anoop said. "I've got a car. I have a GPS. I can find it. Where do you want to go?"

"Well..." Matt crossed his arms and shrugged. "Like I said, that asian place--"

"Where do _you_ \--" Anoop poked Matt in the chest and raised his eyebrows. "--want to go? I'm taking you out. Anywhere."

"Anoop," Matt said and laughed a little. "I don't care, I really don't."

"I'm asking you out," Anoop insisted. "On a date. So... where do you want to go?"

Matt smiled again but his mouth seemed a little nervous now. "I don't--"

"I only have today," Anoop said. "I can only stay for tonight and then I have to get back on the road, Matt. So..."

"You asked me out," Matt said. "So you have to plan the date. Come on, Noop, don't tell me you forgot how to take someone out."

Anoop laughed and went to get Matt's clothes he had folded and placed on top of the dryer. He handed them to him with a grin. "I hope you know what I'm planning on spending a lot of money on you tonight. So I might be expecting a little something afterward."

Matt grinned back. "I was counting on it!"

Anoop thought he would feel a little stupid about this but he mostly felt excited so he decided to focus on that. "You can give me a hint about what you want to do," Anoop said.

"Surprise me," Matt said. "I'm going to change."

Matt headed back upstairs with his clothes so Anoop wandered to the kitchen where Matt's iPad was on the counter. Matt still kept it unlocked so Anoop sat in a chair at the kitchen table with it and opened Google. He really meant to search for a good restaurant but he found himself pressing other buttons and then he was looking at Matt's saved pictures.

It was a good way to catch up on the past six months. Matt had pictures of everything. He saw Matt posing with the owners of that Asian fusion restaurant he was talking about. It did look like a pretty cool place. There was Matt with his band performing at various shows. Matt at the production company he was working with. Matt's homewarming party with balloons and plenty of booze and Matt was laughing the whole time. Pictures of the dairy farm with the baby cow and that girl Matt had been seeing. Anoop took a good look at her with her hand wrapped around Matt's arm. She was blonde and wholesome like he imagined someone would look if they grew up on a Michigan dairy farm. Anoop didn't understand that one. He hoped it didn't last very long.

The last picture was one Matt had taken of the two of them on his iPhone. Anoop couldn't remember exactly where they were but it was on tour so it was a long time ago. Anoop had a weird look on his face and he wondered what he'd been looking. Matt looked perfectly content, smiling with his head on Anoop's shoulder. Anoop stared at the picture a little longer and sighed. He wished he hadn't always been so reluctant. But there was nothing he could do about it now.

"Did you find my porn?" Matt said behind him.

Anoop glanced over his shoulder. "Yeah. You're into some kinky shit."

Matt kissed his neck and whispered in his ear, "We can get into that later." Matt sat next to him, laughing. "Are you spying on me for real, Noop?"

"No, just trying to find the best place to go." Anoop clicked back into Safari and set the iPad on the table, typing into the search bar.

"Hurry up," Matt whined. "I'm hungry."

"One thing," Anoop said, looking at Matt seriously. "After dinner you have to give me a tour. I really don't know my way around here and... I want to."

"I thought you could only stay for tonight," Matt said.

"Yeah," Anoop said. He took a deep breath. "But who knows... after that. When I come back."

"You're coming back?" Matt asked.

Anoop nodded as he waited for the search page to load. That was one thing he knew for sure.

* 

Matt felt silly for being so excited but he couldn't help it. He was just ready to have some fun and even though he knew he and Anoop were serious he liked when they didn't have to act so _serious_ all the time. He also felt brave for telling Anoop what he needed and Anoop didn't run away so that was step number one. He put on a shirt he'd been meaning to wear for a while and went downstairs to find Anoop playing with his iPad. When they were finally ready to go he handed Anoop his car keys.

"What's this?" Anoop asked, looking at him suspiciously.

"Hey, I only go out in fly rides," Matt said. "Your mid-size rental isn't going to cut it!"

Anoop rolled his eyes. "There's nothing wrong with it. It's a Toyota."

"Just admit it," Matt said. "You've been dying to drive my car."

Anoop took his keys with a small smile. "Not dying..."

"Ha!" Matt said. "I knew I was right. She's sweet isn't she? You're jealous."

"Maybe I wanted to drive it a little bit," Anoop said. "We just had different priorities."

"I'll help you get rid of your piece of junk," Matt said. He opened the front door from Anoop and gave him a kiss. "Don't you know Michigan is a great place to buy a car? Everything is dirt cheap here because nobody has any money."

"That's very compelling," Anoop said. Matt made his way to the driver's side before he remembered and awkwardly made his way around to the passenger side. It was straight sitting in the front seat of his own car, like he was seeing everything backwards. He watched Anoop push his seat back and adjust the rear and side view mirrors.

"Don't hurt her," Matt said. Anoop just put his hand on Matt's knee and squeezed before he backed out of the driveway.

"So where are you taking me?" Matt asked. Anoop hadn't turned on the GPS and he didn't have any printed directions out in front of him. He looked at Matt and shrugged.

"I thought I was in charge," Anoop said. Matt held up his hands.

"Just asking! I think you're about to kidnap me and take me across the border."

Anoop cracked a smile. "We aren't too far from Canada, are we?"

"Depends on which way you go," Matt said. "You know, same-sex couples can get married there." He meant for it to be a goofy statement but he sort of regretted it as soon as it came out of his mouth.

Anoop nodded slowly. "Yep. That's something I've thought about before, too."

Matt smiled because Anoop hadn't made him feel stupid about that or anything really, not since he bought the house. And he didn't even feel stupid about that anymore. He decided that if he had to do it all over again he would do the same thing only he would tell Anoop as soon as he made his decision so they both would have more time to prepare.

Anoop ended up taking him to this tapas place downtown that Matt had never been to but he had wanted to go. They supposedly had really good drinks and the tapas were a mix of Asian, Mediterranean and Spanish. The place had dimly lighted but there were Christmas lights on the walls and the bar had an aquarium in it so Matt thought it was a pretty cool place. He sat across from Anoop in a booth near the back. Anoop reached under the table and nudged Matt's leg.

"Hey," he said, gesturing toward the piano on the other side of the room with a tilt of his head. Matt had already noticed the piano. It was a nice Yamaha, shiny black and barely played. Matt could tell from the fine layer of dust shimmering across the top.

"If I ever need another job," Matt said. "I know where to go."

Anoop nodded, opening his menu.

"But," Matt said. "If I needed a gig you should let me play for your band!"

"Oh, no," Anoop said quickly.

"Why not, Noop?"

"Because," Anoop said, looking up at him. "You'd totally overshadow me. Haven't you ever seen yourself on the piano? They wouldn't be able to look at anything else. No way, Matt."

Matt was smiling and then Anoop was finally smiling too.

"Besides," Anoop said, in a more serious voice. "When you're playing I like to watch too."

Matt smiled wider. He opened his menu but he could hardly concentrate. There were so many choices. His eyes scanned the page trying to find something that looked familiar.

"What are you going to get?" Matt asked.

"It's tapas so you're supposed to share," Anoop said. "Just let me order."

Matt closed his menu and he felt a little relieved. Anoop was still paging through it so he focused on the piano. He clasped his hands together, feeling a twitch in his fingers.

"When's Charlie's actual funeral?" Matt asked.

"I think it's tomorrow," Anoop said.

Matt sighed. "I still feel so bad," Matt said. "It's like Bradley thinks I stole it."

"Don't think like that," Anoop said. "He gave it to you because he knew you'd take care of the piano. Don't let him down. That's the only thing you have to do."

Matt shrugged, but he felt a little better. He felt even better when Anoop slid his hand across the table and took Matt's hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Matt looked around, not quickly, just taking everything in. There were a few people sitting at the bar but only one other group was sitting at a table. He thought he recognized the server from middle school but he couldn't be sure.

"What'll it be?" she said without taking a second glance at Matt or at the fact that Anoop was still wearing his sunglasses inside or staring down at their hands.

"I think we'll start off with several things," Anoop said. He and the waitress looked over the menu together and then she left with her pad and Matt focused on Anoop again. Now the sunglasses were bothering him.

"How can you see?" Matt asked. He reached over and pulled Anoop's sunglasses off his face and then set the glasses on top of his head. Anoop smiled. It was nice to see his eyes and even nicer that he still hadn't let go of Matt's hand.

"I've never been too good at dates," Anoop said.

"Why not?"

Anoop pressed his lips together, making a thoughtful face. "Too many expectations I guess," he said.

"Yeah, Anoop," Matt said. He pulled his hand away but only so he could adjust their position. When he took Anoop's hand again he gave him a little squeeze. "You don't get _engaged_ on the first date. Or even think about that stuff at all. You just have fun!"

"What date is this?" Anoop asked.

"Number one," Matt said. "Number infinity."

"Well, that clears it up," Anoop said. He smiled and Matt grinned back, his heart beating a happy, fast rhythm. There weren't too many things he liked more than making Anoop smile.

"You don't have to have any expectations," Matt said.

"Yeah," Anoop agreed. "Because you're going to exceed all of them anyway."

Matt laughed but it felt nice. "No I won't," Matt said.

"I think it's me," Anoop said.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, I'm the one who screws things up."

Matt's mouth actually dropped open and he let go of Anoop's hand for real this time. "Are you kidding?"

Anoop sat back in his seat and frowned.

"Come on, Noop," Matt said. "I'm the one who brought the freakin' _house_!"

Anoop blinked and then he shook his head. "That was your decision to make. I shouldn't have assumed--"

"And I shouldn't have led you on," Matt said, speaking honestly. "Which I _did_. Anoop, I was never going to go. And I always knew that. It wasn't you, just the place. LA. I wasn't going to go to LA."

"But you'll go somewhere else?" Anoop said quietly.

Matt let his breath out slowly. He took Anoop's hand again and didn't say anything.

The waitress came back with beers and small plates of food. Anoop pointed at each dish, telling Matt what was in it. He hadn't heard of most of it before but when he gave it a try the food was pretty good. Fueled by beer and food Matt ordered the next round. Anoop seemed to approve. He especially liked the tamales so Matt let him eat them all.

"I think my main problem with dates is," Anoop said, after they finished the food and Matt was nursing his 3rd beer. Anoop had only had one. "I seem to like the other person more than they like me."

"Yeah, that always sucks," Matt said. "That happened to me in middle school. I asked this girl to the dance, right? I even got her a flower. But when I got there she was dancing with her friends and she wouldn't dance with me all night. I found out that she didn't like me at all she just thought I was pathetic and didn't want to hurt my feelings!"

Anoop grinned. "I'm glad that I was having your middle school problems in college."

Matt laughed. "I'm just saying, Noop. I feel your pain."

"Thanks, you made me feel better," Anoop said. Matt laughed some more but Anoop's eyes were serious and wide. "No, I really mean it."

"I loved this," Matt said. He drained the rest of his beer. "Best date ever. You don't always get it wrong, Noop."

"Thank God," Anoop said. He grabbed the check once the waitress put it on the table. "You'd think I'd learn... especially since we're apparently at date infinity."

"Gotta get it right sometime," Matt said. He was feeling so generous that he insisted on leaving the tip.

* 

"Now I guess..." Matt said when they got in the car. "You expect something in return." He kissed Anoop's neck and Anoop laughed.

"Naturally," Anoop said. "That's the other thing that always went wrong on my other dates."

"We have so much to work on," Matt said. He rubbed his hand over Anoop's thigh, heading for his crotch. Then he realized that Anoop was driving his car so he didn't want to get Anoop too excited. He also didn't want to mess up the leather by doing anything in the backseat. Maybe they should have taken the rental car.

"I like this," Anoop said, driving through the darkness. Matt didn't know where he was going but he wasn't too concerned.

"Me too," Matt said and it was true. He liked all of it. The date, the true confessions nature of the evening, of Anoop's whole surprise visit actually. It made him feel a little older and that was something he wanted. Being with Anoop always made him a little better. He couldn't believe he had forgotten that.

"I want dessert," Anoop said.

"Me too," Matt said, relieved Anoop had said it first.

"Do you agree with everything I say?" Anoop asked. He poked Matt in a teasing way. Matt poked him back.

"Yes," Matt said.

"I love you," Anoop said, staring at him at a red light.

"I love you, too," Matt said and it was nice to finally say it like that, just nice and easy, not like they were making huge declaration but stating a comfortable fact between them, something that had been true for a long time.

"I don't think you're supposed to say that on the first date," Matt said, once they started moving again.

"But what about date infinity?" Anoop said with a smile.

"Well then," Matt said. "Anything goes."

Anoop kissed him at the next light and then they got on the highway.

"I have a crazy idea," Anoop said. Matt leaned against him and stared up at Anoop's ear. "I want to go to that dairy farm."

"What?" Matt said lazily until he fully realized what Anoop was talking about. Then he sat up.

"The ice cream store," Anoop said. He had both hands on the steering wheel and he could see the tension in Anoop's knuckles. "Your flavor sounds really good."

"It's actually a knock off," Matt said. "You can find it in the store." But he gave Anoop directions anyway. He knew the place was open until at least 10.

"What was the name of the cow?" Anoop asked as they pulled into the parking lot of the ice cream shop. It looked the same as last time but the trees were all filled in now and there were several cars parked all around.

"What?" Matt said.

"That cow you fed? The baby cow?"

"Oh," Matt said. "Cookie. I think she's all grown up now. Or hamburger meat."

"Cookie," Anoop said. "Cookie the cow."

"I don't think she's gonna be here, Noop," Matt said, in case that was part of the plan for Anoop's own reasons. Matt didn't know what that could be but there was a lot he didn't understand about Anoop but he did know that Anoop knew he wasn't talking about the cow.

"I want some ice cream," Anoop said. "The Matt Giraud special. Did it have a name?"

"Matt!" Matt said. "Is there any better of a name?"

It turned out the ice cream was called "Michigan Idol" which Matt didn't remember and he wasn't too thrilled about. Anoop got it in a cup and Matt ordered Moose Tracks waffle cone which he was more in the mood for. There was no sign of his former hook-up or her parents, just a couple of bored teens behind the counter. Matt was almost disappointed about that. It was important for Anoop to know that he'd had a life without him but then again he was pretty sure Anoop understood that. Anoop looked over at the tables once he'd paid for the ice cream but Matt gestured toward the door.

"Can we take a walk, Noop?" Anoop nodded and held the door open for him. It chimed cheerfully behind them.

The day had been pretty warm but now that the sun had been long gone it was chilly and Matt was glad he wore long sleeves. The sky was dark, cluttered with clouds so there weren't any stars, just gray shadows moving slowly overhead. Matt led the way beyond the parking lot to a half-lit biking/walking/jogging path, black asphalt that made a mile loop around the property for people to enjoy, but more in the daytime. Still, Matt knew where he was going and he led Anoop to a bonfire pit not too far off where there was a big hole for the file and then makeshift seating on strategically placed logs all around it. Matt took a seat on a log and Anoop sat beside him, very close. He didn't say anything, just turned his head slightly and then Anoop was kissing him took and they kissed silently until ice cream dripped all the way down Matt's hand to his elbow. Anoop licked him there, helpfully.

"Thanks for the ice cream," Matt said.

"I just wanted to see what it was like," Anoop said. They kissed again, Anoop's lips tasting more like ice cream this time, and then Matt really had to focus on his ice cream or it was just going to be a gigantic mess all over his shirt.

"I have to leave tomorrow," Anoop said, a fact Matt already knew. "I have to get back on the road."

"When am I going to see you again?" Matt asked before he could stop himself.

Anoop didn't answer for a little while. Matt watched him twirl his spoon in his mouth and he wished that he had a cup and a spoon. He licked his cone aggressively. Anoop handed him all the napkins he had.

"Depends when I'm going to see you," Anoop said, reflectively. "I don't exactly know, Matt. Can I tell you what I'm thinking?"

"Of course," Matt said, but his heart dropped to his stomach. The fear had been in the back of his mind the entire time but he really didn't know how he was going to deal with Anoop breaking up with him all over again.

"I think there's only one way to really do this," Anoop said. "If we're really going to... be together. We have to be in the same place."

Matt nodded, not sure he agreed, but he knew that Anoop felt that way and there didn't seem to be anything he could do to change Anoop's mind.

"But I know..." Anoop trailed off and sighed. "We should be together this summer. We're both on tour, we're both going to be traveling, our schedules are going to be crazy. But it'll also give us a chance to think so at the end of the summer we can make a decision. About where we're going to be. Together. If we're going to be together. I mean, physically living together. If we're really going to take it that far. When and where... we can work that all out. Or if not then... we can work that out too. Like for good. Know what I'm saying, Matt?"

Matt nodded, focusing on Anoop's brown eyes in the darkness. He chewed on the peanut butter cups in the ice cream but right now they were tasting a little bitter.

"We'll see each other as much as we can," Anoop said, quietly. "Is that what you want? I'm sorry... I know you said I don't get to make all the rules."

Matt cringed inwardly, remembering that moment. But it was true. He had a say too. However, if Anoop wasn't going to agree then his conditions didn't really matter and he wanted so desperately for this to work, even if it meant being really hurt all over again.

"Yeah," Matt said. "I understand. I mean, I agree. I just want to be with you, Anoop. But it's better when we're together. I want us to be together. So we should be in one place."

"Don't--" Anoop said. He leaned over and placed his empty cup carefully on the ground in front of them. The log wasn't actually very comfortable. Matt shifted around and Anoop took his sticky cone gently. "Don't make any decisions right now," Anoop said. He took a bite of Matt's cone and handed it back to him. Matt felt a little more comfortable eating it now. He didn't know how to explain it. He hoped Anoop's mind was as open as his heart was. Maybe by the end of the summer they could make the right choice, a decision the two of them could live with for a very long time.

He shared the rest of the cone with Anoop and as soon as it was done Anoop kissed him again and it was nice to make out under the night sky. Matt pretended there was a fire glowing in the pit but it was only the pale reflection of the moon when it had a chance to peek out from behind the clouds.

"So," Matt said, huskily, when they both needed to take a breath. Anoop's slightly sticky hands were still in his hair. "What happens next? On this date?"

"I think you know what," Anoop said. Matt grinned. Anoop got up and grabbed Matt's hands, pulling him up.

"Where ever we end up," Anoop said. "You know we have to take that piano."

Matt grinned and they walked back to the car, slowly, holding hands. It felt better than the last time they'd said goodbye even though it definitely still wasn't the best. He knew they still had plenty of time to get to the best place in their lives, together.


End file.
